So, we thought we’d take a bit of a different approach this year.
The unlucky thirteen songs here, while we can’t promise they’ll help you get anywhere with your funny valentine, will at least get you noticed!
Mental As Anything “If You Leave Me Can I Come Too”
Not quite “he loves her so much he’ll follow her anywhere”, but close!
Ted Mulry Gang “Jump In My Car”
So romantic that David Hasselhoff covered it. Really.
Mother Goose “Baked Beans”
If the thought of baked beans doesn’t get her in the mood, how about a guy dressed up as a bumblebee? Or a baby? Or Craig in his little sailor suit? (Yep, we know Mother Goose are from NZ, but we've included them on this list because this song deserves more love).
Air Supply “Love And Other Bruises”
An early 80s US punk ‘zine once said something to the effect that Air Supply were so lame they made penises shrivel up and fall off. While atrophy of the genitalia is not ideal, it may mean you won’t feel like wasting money on cards and flowers next year, which is a good result.
Joe Dolce “Shaddap You Face”
Yeah, this‘ll do the trick.
Moving Pictures “What About Me?”
One for all the guys who struggle on Valentine’s Day. Play this, and you’ll get a reaction, guaranteed. Everyone loves a whinger.
Mike Brady “Up There Cazaly”
Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to remind her that the footy season is just around the corner.
Paul Kelly “When I First Met Your Ma”
In which PK tells his kid how the kid’s mother first won him over. The only problem is, by this point, they’ve already split.
Madder Lake “12lb Toothbrush”
Killer song, and if dancing around, tauntingly growling “Nah nah na-na-na-na-na na-na-na-na-na na-na-na-na-na” doesn’t get her, you could try the bug-eyed troll look that the late great Mick Flett goes for in this old live clip.
The Indelible Murtceps “Blue Movies Make Me Cry”
Another one from the early 70s. “Big bananas and unzippered flies, blue movies make me cry.” You could also try another piece of Mike Rudd madness, “What The World Needs Now Is A New Pair of Socks”. Bacharach and David had nothing on that old romantic Crudd.
Skyhooks “You Just Like Me Cos I’m Good In Bed”
We could’ve followed the “blue movies” theme with Red’s charming “Smut”, but this offers a new approach. Simultaneously boasting about one’s sexual prowess while telling her “Oh God, you talk such crap” is a winning move for sure.
Mark Holden “I Wanna Make you My Lady”
And if a white suit and carnations don’t work...
Daddy Cool “Baby Let Me Bang Your Box”
... a request to have a play on her piano might do the trick!